I never imagined spending nine months of pregnancy preparing for a newborn only to end up with a bear in baby clothes. But here we are.
In the hospital, we were given a teddy bear and I swear I must have looked at the nurse like she was crazy. I didn’t want this bear; I wanted my baby.
It was clear when we got home, that we needed the bear for our empty arms. Enduring the loss of a child through stillbirth has this phenomenon known as “empty arms syndrome” where "your arms are aching to hold a baby."
It wasn’t until later that I learned about weighted bears. (The one we received from the hospital was not.) A bear that weighed the same as Bastion seemed so cute. Another keepsake! Then I thought about it a little more... To hold his weight in my arms again, now that would be special.
I shopped around and ended up choosing Mommies of an Angel. My new bear took three weeks to arrive. I immediately dressed it in some of Bash’s clothes. I was disappointed when the bamboo sleeper Brandon and I had boughten Bastion was too big on the bear. The outfit was so soft and one of the few things we had gotten for our baby. I had received plenty of clothes so it wasn't necessary to buy more. Our bear ended fitting in a 5-8lb sized Gerber onesie, a pair of black newborn pants (rolled up), and a cute matching beanie.
I proceeded to take my new bear around the house and take pictures of him in places I will never be able to take of my son.
It might be weird to say, but this bear brings me peace. Holding him at the end of the night does help. Walking passed my bear sometimes makes me smile. My mind seems to be associating the bear with my baby in a positive way. He’s the baby I never got to bring home in some ways. He allows me to say my baby’s name out loud- The Bash Bear or Bastion’s Bear.